my intention is to wake you up to wake
you up to the reality of how time is
passing you by and how much of your time
you're probably spending on things that
are not important to you I want you to
be more intentional about how you spend
your time who you spend your time with
and if you value this wake the hell up
and start prioritizing it time is going
to pass you by no matter what you get to
create what you're doing in the time
that you have I want you to feel
inspired and empowered to get in
intentional about how you're spending
your time because how you spend your
time is what your life is all
about hey it's your friend Mel thank you
so much for being here with me and also
thank you for taking the time to listen
to something that could actually help
you improve your life I think that's
really cool now there is something that
I cannot wait to talk to you about I saw
this 10 yearlong research study it's
called like the American Time study wait
till I
explain what this study tells you about
time and before we jump into that study
I just have to ask you because time is
passing by please hit subscribe my goal
this year is to make sure that everybody
that tunes into this channel 50% of you
are a subscriber it's free it really
helps me bring you new videos every
single day please please please just
take a second hit subscribe and that
would be a huge deal all right you ready
let's jump in there are six shocking
statistics about how you are spending
your time and who you are spending your
time with over the course of your life
and here's why I want to talk to you
about this when I saw this data about
how I'm spending my time over my
lifetime and who I'm spending it with it
was like a wakeup call that lit a fire
under my ass an oh my god when you see
these six takeaways and the data it's
like depressing Ing and inspiring
because what you're going to learn today
is there are critical moments in your
life that change your relationships
forever like for example when you turn
18 the time you spend with your family
and siblings drops off a cliff when you
turn 29 something crazy happens with
friendship when you turn 42 something
else dramatic happens and then again
when you're 50 when you're 60 again when
you're 70 and you are always asking me
for information to help you make your
life better and let me tell you
something today's conversation is
absolutely going to inspire you to do it
so I want to start our talk today by
just asking you a couple questions
they're easy don't worry about it you
don't need a pen or paper you can answer
these in your mind as I ask you you
ready here's the first
one can you name the last five artist
that won artist of the year at the
Grammys me either or what about the last
five companies that were at the top of
the Inc 500
list the last five winners of the
Olympic gold medal in women's
gymnastics
nope me either you want to know why
because it doesn't really matter to the
average person right who cares but I bet
you can name your five favorite people
that you've ever worked
with just stop and think about them
you probably even see their faces pop up
into your
mind or how about the five people that
you always laugh the hardest with like
you know if you're going to see these
five people you are going to have the
kind of laughter where like your head
hurts you're laughing so hard or what
about the five people who had the
biggest impact on your life five
favorite memories with your siblings or
if you don't have siblings five of your
favorite memories with your parents
here's another great thing to think
about think about the five people you
used to spend a ton of time with but you
don't see them anymore but you really do
miss
them you know what's interesting about
all those questions I just asked you I
bet you can answer all of them you can
give me five specific names or five
specific memories for every one of those
questions why well because of how those
people made you feel and that brings me
to today's topic so I mentioned this
research study the research study I want
to talk to you about is called the
American time use survey and it's this
big study where researchers collected
data for over 10 years and here's what
they were looking for they were looking
at how social connections evolve through
the average person's Lifetime and I'm
sure you've heard that saying it's all
over the internet that you are the
average of The Five People You spend the
most time with and there's no doubt that
having healthy
relationships with other people and with
yourself is one of the single most
important pillars of a great life now
what we're going to look at today is
what the research found over 10 years
about who you spend time with over the
course of your lifetime and how that
changes over the course of your lifetime
now one giant caveat is that they only
looked at data over 10 years with a
Americans and regardless of where you're
listening though or whatever your
cultural background might be I guarantee
you there is something that you will
learn in this data that will make you
approach your relationships differently
it will make you look at friendship your
relationship with your parents or your
siblings where you're working your
relationship with your kids with your
partner with yourself in a very
different way
I know it did for me and so here's my
intention with our conversation today my
intention is to wake you up to wake you
up to the reality of how time is passing
you by and how much of your time you're
probably spending on things that are not
important to you and so here's how the
conversation's going to go today I'm
going to walk you through the six key
takeaways and if you want to see the
data and the charts which I think you
would find them very compelling all you
got to do is go to my social media Mel
Robbins that's the handle on all the
accounts or go down to the resources
which we have for every show and we will
link to the post because I want you to
see the grass with your own eyes because
they are so compelling and I got them
right here in my hand okay and when you
see the reality and that's what I want
to hammer into your head and my head the
reality the reality of how time is
impacting your relationships with your
parents your siblings your partner your
friends your kids and your Co co-workers
this is not a fantasy this is the
reality of your life and I want you to
be more intentional from this point
forward about how you spend your time
who you spend your time with that's what
this is about to align your life with
choices that match the reality of how
fast time is going by and look
everything that's already happened
that's in the rearview mirror we cannot
change the past we know that but you can
learn from it and you can learn from
this data and you can take from this
moment and look forward and you can use
the data you're about to learn to change
your life for the better so let's go
through these six crazy statistics on
who you spend your time with over the
course of your life and the first one is
about family so let's talk about your
family I mean everybody loves to
complain about their family don't we in
fact as I record this right now I'm in a
bit of a little like you know tiff with
one of our
kids they haven't talked to me in 48
hours and so I'm not immune to uh the
kind of challenges that can come in
family relationships but this little
tiff pass and I notice that anytime I
post something online about narcissism
or toxic Behavior you guys go crazy over
those kind of posts yeah yeah cut them
out of my life yeah
narcissists but today I want to talk
about the reality and the reality is
your time with your family is limited
and I'm talking about both both your
parents and your siblings your time is
limited and I'm going to break this down
for you because I don't think we stop
and think about this in terms of the
data we think about it in terms of kind
of generally how your life feels but let
me just explain what happens for the
average person from 0 to 18 those are
the years that you will spend the most
amount of time that you have with your
parents and your siblings and sometimes
s that time can feel like a prison but
the truth is when you zoom out and you
really look at the data it's very
sobering here it
is when you turn 18 the amount of time
that you spend with siblings and parents
it basically drops off a cliff and you
know this and it keeps dropping until
you reach about age 26 and when you
reach age 26 based on the
data you are now at a flatline for the
rest of your life that whatever time
you're spending on a daily basis with
your family meaning your parents and
your siblings that's it and if you're
lucky it tops out at less than an hour a
day now for those of you that are part
of a big family farm or you have a big
family business or you're a family where
you have a multigenerational house which
I think is super cool you see your
family a little bit more than average
but I want you to stop and think about
this you never see your family do you
mean we lived a mile from Chris's oldest
brother as we were raising our kids
outside of Boston we never saw them and
Chris and I we would talk about it all
the time why don't we hang out with your
brother Moore it's almost like because
they family you sort of put them in the
box of just defaulting to see them over
the holidays right and here's another
example my mother-in-law she lives three
miles from me now she's 86 and her
social calendar is busier than mine plus
I work full-time I'm lucky
when she's here in Vermont if I see her
once every two
weeks
why I don't know I guess I don't really
prioritize it it's not that I don't like
or I just don't really think about it
and let me just take a giant highlighter
and really put this in perspective about
how fleeting your time is with your
parents and your siblings my dad Bob he
is turning 80 this year his father was
dead by the age of 81 Chris's dad died
at the age of 69 from esophageal cancer
so let's just say I'm lucky and my dad
lives another 10 years now my dad and
mom they live in Michigan so I only see
my dad three or four times a year so
let's put that in the context of how
much time I have with him if he lives 10
years that's 30 more weekends with my
dad
when you do the math that way doesn't it
make you think differently about it like
take my sibling my brother he lives in
Chicago and Derrick's got two twin boys
who are freshmen in high school and his
public high school schedule and our
public high school schedule they are not
on the same breaks ever and so it's not
like we can go on spring break together
plus his kids are in competitive Sports
All Summer Long our son's going to go to
college next year when are we going to
see each other and this isn't
a statistic where I'm trying to guilt
you this is the facts and I don't know
what kind of relationship you have with
your parents or with your siblings so I
want to ask you this question in the
context of this statistic especially as
your parents are getting older if you
think about this moment and you look
forward and you think about the limited
amount of time that you have what kind
of daughter or son do you want to be
from this moment moving on
what kind of a brother or sister do you
want to be from this moment moving
forward and look maybe you've been
listening to The Experts that we've had
on narcissism and difficult people and
you're like that's it I'm cutting them
out but for most of us when you really
stop and think about the reality that
time is slipping through your hands and
this person is the way that they are and
they are the way way that they are
because of their upbringing their past
experiences and their unhealed trauma
and there's nothing you're going to do
to change it but who do you want to
be and I want you to really think about
this this is why I call my parents three
times a week I I just do it to check in
because of who I want to be and I find
personally that the more that I check in
the better our relationship is the more
that they soften the warmer that they
are and I realize why it's because when
I call they don't feel forgotten and it
does make me incredibly sad to think
that I might only spend 30 more weekends
with my dad and look I I need to say my
mom and dad but my dad's older so he's
the one that's top of mine and my mom
just turned 75 she's still kicking so
Mom I need to see you too in case you're
listening and as I'm sitting here I
can't help but think and I bet you're
starting to think this too you know
maybe I should find a weekend uh in the
next month to go down and see them I
mean you just never know right even
though I saw them a couple weeks ago
maybe I should make another plan and I
think that's a big takeaway first of all
your time is
limited do the math and think about how
little time you actually have and the
second big takeaway is always have the
next plan for when you're going to see
them next that helps me a ton to know
that I've got something in the books we
have something look forward to and that
I'm checking in just because that's the
kind of person that I want to be and
it's important that you think about this
because enjoying your relationships is
not just about savoring them and being
grateful that you have the time to have
with them because we all and I I don't
mean to be making fun of being grateful
but it can become very surface level my
message today is look at the data look
at the reality and if you value this
your parents and your siblings
wake the hell up and start prioritizing
it and that's what I've been doing in
fact over the holidays we went on two
back-to-back grandparent trips I don't
know if you've done any of those but
when the big milestone birthday happens
it's pretty awesome Chris's mom turned
85 and so she brought together her three
sons and all the kids which meant nine
cousins six adults and Judy and her
partner on two sailboats it was super
awesome and here's what I realized as we
were all together do you know the last
time time that all 18 of us got together
it was 10 years ago and I bet that's
true with your family too because the
older you get the harder it is to get
everybody together like if I think about
my family on Chris's side nine cousins
they're all over the place we've got
cousins in Texas and Colorado and New
York City and some in college and some
graduate and they're living their lives
it's the reality and it's difficult to
get that many people together and so I'm
proud that we did that for Chris's mom
for her 85th and by the way right after
that we went and spent the weekend with
my entire family to celebrate my mom
75th and if you've ever been at a big
Gathering like that a milestone birthday
for a parent or a grandparent where
everybody's
there I'm willing to bet it's one of the
happiest times you'll ever see him
because it's insanely difficult to get
everyone together once people turn 18
and that is what the state is saying
your time with your family
is incredibly scarce Once you turn 18
take it
seriously and you want to know one thing
I'd love for you to do one way you could
take it seriously share this episode
with your siblings and your parents and
your kids and your favorite niece or
nephew or your cousin or your favorite
aunt and if you're listening to my voice
right now because one of your family
members sent this episode to you the
message from that person in your family
to you that they wanted me to deliver is
this they miss you they love you this
matters so let's get a date on the
calendar and let's get together because
we're going to regret it if we don't and
time is going to keep on going
regardless of what we do with it so make
a date and make it happen I told you
this would be eye openening and sobering
and inspiring and that's just statistic
number one about who you spend your time
with over the course of your lifetime we
have five more statistics to unpack all
of them equally profound the next one is
very eye openening because it's about
what happens to you between the ages of
20 and 60 this 40y year
span during the ages of 20 and 60 who do
you think you're spending most of your
time with the answer will surprise you
and we're going to unpack it when we
come back stay with
us welcome back it's your friend Mel and
you and I are talking about six shocking
statistics I got the graphs right here
in my hand and it's shocking statistics
from a 10-year study on who you spend
your time with over the course of your
life and this really changed a lot for
me it's a study called the American Time
study it's a 10-year study and when I
first saw these six takeaways from the
study it was depressing and then once I
kind of sobered up a little bit from the
depressing news it lit a fire under my
ass and it pushed me to prioritize
certain relationships while I still have
the time to do it now you and I have
already covered takeaway number one
which is when you turn 18 the amount of
time you spend with your parents and
your siblings Falls right off a cliff
and then it flatlines at age 26 for the
rest of your life and if that bothers
you the message is do something about it
this is happening not because your
siblings hate you this is happening
because of how we start to spend our
time as we age there is data that
explains all this but just because this
is the average you don't have to be the
average you got that good so let's dig
into the next five okay and this next
one is really interesting the second key
takeaway shows who you spend the most
time with between the ages of 20 and 60
any
guesses if you guessed your co-workers
bing bing bing bing bing you're right so
what is the takeaway from this well the
takeaway is something that I believe is
really important for you to grasp it's
this the people that you work with day
in and day out have a huge impact on the
quality of your life because based on
Research 40 Years of your life these are
the people you spend the most time with
be choosy it's not just about the money
if you prior prioritize a great work
environment which I want you to do
you're not only going to reach your
financial goals but you will also
surround yourself with co-workers that
create energy in your life and that help
you tap into a deeper potential inside
of you see your co-workers are a net
positive or a net negative and so I want
you to think about this because you know
we think about work in a really selfish
and narrow way what's my job what's my
title how much money do I make how do I
climb the ladder how do I get this how
how do I get that but I want you to kind
of lift your head up and wake up to the
fact that you're going to spend 40 years
in the workforce or volunteering or
doing something outside the house and
the people that you are doing that with
really matter companies are not just
spreadsheets companies are made up of
people so pick good people and one more
thing because I can hear you start to go
but you're not stuck with a boss you're
not stuck with a toxic coworker you're
not stuck where you're working right now
and if I ask you name your three
favorite co-workers that you've ever
worked
with
immediately three faces would pop into
your mind you'd immediately remember
laughing in the breakroom or that all
nighter that you pilled doing something
or some other thing that you did while
you're on the road for work if I asked
you name the most toxic person you've
ever worked with boom bad apple right
there cannot understand that person see
them coming duck into a cubicle oh my
God avoid them like the plague in fact
there's research that shows that person
you're thinking about if they are
festering they can take down an entire
team it's called the Bad Apple effect
this is how important the people around
you are in terms of influencing how you
feel in your day-to-day life and there's
just endless research about why people
leave jobs and one of the biggest
reasons why people leave a job this
comes from Gallup number number one
reason is because they can't stand the
person they work for so here are the
takeaways do not stay in a job you hate
with people you hate do not tell me you
need the money because the fact is if
you have this job paying you this much
money you can find another job in a
better environment that also pays you
that money and I'm not hearing your
excuses I'm not hearing any of the BS
that you're about to spit out that you
can't make it happen or I live in this
place but I'm this years old but that
this is 40 Years of your freaking life
second
if you don't like the people you're
working with be intentional about either
getting out of that company or
cultivating relationships with people in
other departments while you're looking
for another job and finally just like
there can be a bad apple at work be the
ripe Apple don't let the attitude of
where you're working bring down your
attitude because there's always
something you can do and I want to wake
you up to the fact that where you work
and how you feel it works and the people
that you are spending time with are
going to make up 40 Years of your life
and as time is passing and it's going to
keep on passing you get to choose
whether you're going to be in a place
that lifts you up or brings you down and
that's takeaway number two between the
ages of 20 and 60 you spend the majority
of your time with your co-workers so get
serious about where you're
working all right let's go to the Third
statistic and I'm going to warn you the
third statistic right here got the chart
right here this one's a little sad
because it explains why you never see
your friends I want you to reflect on
your own life for a minute can you
pinpoint the
age when you really started to
feel like you didn't see your friends as
much you got that age of
mind
it probably doesn't surprise you when
you hear that for the average
person the time you spend with friends
starts to decline at the age of
21 and over the course of your 20s you
start to see less and less of your
friends and that brings us to the
pivotal age of 29 where all of a sudden
the amount of time that you spend with
your friends on a daily basis drops off
for the rest of your life and for most
people here's what that means your
friends become the group that you spend
the least amount of time with as you age
I'm going to say that again for most
people as you age friends are the group
of people you will spend the least
amount of time with and if you stop and
think about it it kind of makes sense
right I mean just think about your own
experience you saw your friends every
day in middle school and high school or
if you went to college or to trade
school and then what happens you
graduate and maybe for a year some of
you move in together and then exactly
what the data says starts to happen in
your 20s doesn't it everyone starts to
do what you're supposed to do you start
focusing on your own life and creating a
life for yourself maybe you move to a
different city or you have different
roommates or you take a job that takes
you in a new direction or you go to
graduate school and that consumes your
life or you meet somebody and start
falling in love and then you start to
spend more time with them and slowly but
surely it's not the same in fact I see
our daughters going through this right
now they're 25 23 post colle and the
words they use evaporate dispersing
everyone I went to school with is going
in different directions and I really
feel it and based on the data this is
going to keep happening until you turn
29 and unless you do something about
it the amount of time that you're going
to spend with friends after you're 29 it
flatlines why well you now know because
of takeaway number two you're spending
all that time with your co-workers and
as you're going to learn in the next
three
statistics a partner starts to enter the
scene perhaps children if you decide to
have them they start to enter into your
world as well but here's my message this
data is the average but you are not
average this is what happens to people
who are not paying attention who are
just letting life sweep them
Downstream you can create whatever you
want in fact you know as I think about
some of the conversations that we've had
recently you'll probably remember me
saying that one of the main reasons why
people get so stuck and lost in life is
because they don't know what they want
and that's why I was like oh my God I
have to talk to you about the American
Time study I have to share these
statistics with you because I want to
wake you up and make you
realize that this data is reflective of
what's happening in your life and if
you're feeling lonely or you've lost
touch with friends and it bothers you
you don't have to live like that if you
don't want to be in a crappy work
environment you don't have to let it
Define your life for a decade if you
like your family and you really want to
see them and you kind of you got to make
it a priority I'm not immune to any of
this data either I mean I feel like my
friendships evaporated and I also feel I
don't know if you feel this way maybe
this is something that happens when you
get older but I tend to feel like the
people that I like also would prefer to
be in bed on a Friday night you know I'm
the kind of person that I can text you
at 935 p.m. and be sound asleep at 9:37
so having this framework and having
these statistics and these graphs that
you can check out and the resources it
really helped me because I'm like oh
it's not just me oh this makes a lot of
sense oh this is what happens in life
when you're not really intentional about
what you you want and so let me share a
framework with you that has really
helped me around friendship because I do
want to see my friends but this
framework will really simplify it you
ready when you think about friendship
think about twps and I'm talking about
cultivating friendships so you are going
to be friends naturally based on the
first p and the first p is patterns so
when you have overlapping patterns in
your life you tend to become friends
with people for example you show up at
work every single day that's a pattern
you tend to become friends with people
at work because you have an overlapping
pattern another one your kids are
playing on the same sports team there's
a pattern another one maybe you've taken
a pickle ball and you're in the same
league or you're taking an introduction
to pickle ball class there's a pattern
you can become friends with those people
you frequent the same coffee shop
there's another pattern that overlaps
you with other people and makes it
easier for you to become friends now
that brings me to the second
you're only going to see the people and
become friends with people that you
prioritize period end of story because
even if you have all these patterns in
your life and you bump into people at
the coffee shop or at work or you stand
next to them on the sidelines unless you
prioritize it you make a dinner date you
invite them to a painting class at the
local Museum it doesn't happen and you
don't always need to make new friends
based on the patterns most of the people
that I love and that you love they
probably don't live anywhere near you I
know it's annoying but you've got to
make it a priority to create a plan to
get together once a year that's it
patterns prioritize otherwise what after
29 you're screwed it drops off a cliff
and you're not going to see these people
it's happening for everybody but it
doesn't have to happen for you so that
covers the first three statistics and
there are three more incredible time
truths about who you spend your time
with over the course of your life and if
this last one about friends or the
family was like oh God that's so
depressing I don't know if I can keep
listening you better keep listening
because there's a whole lot of good news
coming up and the whole point of this
conversation is for me to get you to
truly stop time for a minute and ask
yourself what do I actually want what do
I want to feel in my life who do I want
to see in my life who do I want to
surround myself in my life who is a
priority moving forward and I think
you're starting to get my main message
loud and clear time is going to pass you
by no matter what you get to create what
you're doing in the time that you have
so coming up we're going to talk about
what happens when you turn 29 yes your
friendships fall off the cliff in
Flatline but something else interesting
happens there's actually a person that
you will be spending more and more time
with for the rest of your life and we're
going to talk about who that person is
when we come back stay with us welcome
back it's your friend Mel Robbins and
you and I are talking about the American
Time study and six shocking statistics
on who you spend your time with over the
course of your lifetime and you've
already learned that at the age of 18
the time you spend with your parents and
siblings drops off a cliff unless you do
something about it I hope you have
already forwarded them this episode
you're probably thinking also about the
fact that statistic number two 40 Years
of your life you're going to spend it
with your co-workers and now you're
thinking as you're driving to work oh my
God I got to look for a different job or
hope you're thinking I I'm the luckiest
person on the planet I work with people
that I love how cool is this we've also
just unpacked the third statistic about
friendship and how friendships basically
Peak at the age of 18 meaning the amount
of time you spend every day with them
and as you get older it gets harder and
harder and harder to spend time with
friends unless you pay attention to the
twps I taught you what are the patterns
in your life and who are are you making
it a priority to spend time with take
the initiative and I just want to remind
you again that this awareness of these
trends of how you're spending time
self-awareness is the foundation of
creating a better life because if you
don't know what the issue is you're
never going to be able to solve it and
the issue is simply that we all just go
through life and let time pass Us by you
have the opportunity From This Moment
forward forward to be the architect of
building a life that makes the most of
the time that you have and just because
these are the trends in data and these
reflect what most people are
experiencing it doesn't mean that these
need to be the trends in your life and I
was so personally moved by this data
that I wanted to share it with you
because I believe that knowing this it
will Empower you to make very meaningful
changes I think everybody needs to hear
hear this I think everybody is
struggling with this and kind of feeling
it but not really understanding the
context and to me when I look at the
stuff that we've already talked about no
wonder loneliness is an epidemic because
nobody understands why it's happening
when you see it over the course of a
lifetime in terms of the trends of how
you're spending your time and who you're
spending it with you start to see oh oh
of course you become lonelier unless you
do something about it and if you don't
understand what's happening in the
background you think you're the problem
and you're not the problem it's not true
the problem is that time is passing and
the more that time passes the more you
just kind of go with it and I want you
to do the opposite I want you to feel
inspired and empowered to get
intentional about how you're spending
your time because how you spend your
time is what your life is all about and
that brings me to the fourth takeaway
which is that your life partner is
probably the single most important
decision you will ever make this is that
statistic at about age 29 there is a
person that enters your life or multiple
people as you're dating around that you
start to spend more and more and more
time with as you age and here's the
thing I want you to understand do not
rush this decision do not get married to
someone who you know in your gut is
probably not the right person but you
kind of feel like you should do it
because everybody's getting married and
you're getting to be that a age and
you're starting to get a little worried
do not settle because the time you spend
with your partner
increases every single year until the
day of your death and after age
60 this person that is your life partner
they really matter because it's the
person you will spend the majority of
your time with for the rest of your life
and that's kind of a great test like if
you're dating somebody right now don't
look at the person who's standing in
front of you right now you know with the
nice car and the fake tan and the group
of popular friends and the really cool
profile on hinge no ignore what's in the
present close your eyes and ask yourself
this is this
person like at their core is this person
on the inside who I would want to be
alone with every day day in and day out
when I'm
60 and I want to remind you of the
questions about naming your five
favorite memories with friends or
family what do they all have in
common those memories about your
favorite friends or the people that make
you laugh the loudest or memories with
your siblings they're all about how
someone makes you
feel and when you are choosing a partner
dear
God focus on how they make you feel the
looks are going to fade the friends that
seem all shiny and popular they're going
to disappear into the background you
know that happens in the 20s and it's
hard to keep up with friends as you're
an adult but this human being and how
they make you feel this is what you're
signing up for for the rest of your life
and if you're single what we're about to
talk about next is really important to
embrace right now because the very best
relationship advice I can give you about
choosing a partner to do life with is to
choose life with yourself first and by
that I mean do whatever you need to be
doing in your day-to-day life right now
so that you really like yourself and
that you are proud of yourself as a
person you're proud of your character
you're proud of how you take care of
yourself how you talk to yourself the
way that you spend your time because
when you get the inside right that
relationship with yourself in terms of
how you feel about yourself you're not
going to be swayed by the bright shiny
popular people you're going to be
attracted to people with true character
someone who is worth going the distance
with and that brings me to the fifth
statistic about who you spend your time
with over the course of your lifetime
and it's this that when you hit 40 years
old the amount of time that you spend
alone climbs and climbs and
climbs that means from 40 on the number
number of hours per day that you are
alone is going to increase those 30
years every single year from the age of
50 to 80 based on the data you are alone
every day more often and for most people
after age 70 you're alone most of the
time every day well not me I am going to
an old person's home you know like one
of those places it's like college for
old people back to the dorms hanging out
with people I'm not going to sit alone
in this house but joking
aside this is a huge
takeaway and the first takeaway is I
want to normalize that it is normal to
find yourself spending more and more
time by yourself and for me this can be
a really positive thing because this is
not a message about you needing to look
out into the future and going oh my God
I'm going to be alone and I'm lonely no
this is about the need to learn to enjoy
time with yourself
because when you're really present to
being with
yourself whether you're making a cup of
tea or reading a book or taking a walk
in the woods think about it you're not
by yourself you're with yourself I'm
with myself a lot I'm in my car driving
alone I'm often at my house or working
remote alone I'm down in my kitchen
making lunch alone I'm heading out the
door to go for a walk and yeah maybe
YOLO and homie my dogs May may be there
but there's no other human being I'm
spending time with myself but here's the
thing and this is what the opportunity
is for you I don't feel lonely I enjoy
spending time with myself and that's
what's available to you and when I do
start to feel like something's missing
or I feel a little lonely because I have
a good relationship with myself I can
see that oh wow like I'm missing
connection and I can go back to the twps
I either got to change my patterns of
behavior so I start bumping into people
again or I've got to prioritize reaching
out and that almost always solves the
problem so the big takeaway here is
learn how to love yourself and enjoy
yourself and be kind to yourself learn
how to sign yourself up for a yoga class
and take yourself to it learn how to
reach out to friends when you're feeling
a little lonely and be the one that is
doing that for yourself do that for
yourself learn how to take yourself out
to lunch or for a manicure learn how to
be kinder to yourself learn how to find
Happ happiness in the time you spend
alone and you will enjoy the time that
you have now the final
statistic on who you spend the most time
with over the course of your life this
one is about kids and it broke my heart
and you can probably guess what the
statistic is going to say now that you
know take away one remember take away
one which is that once you turn 18 the
time that you spend on a daily basis
with your parents and your siblings boom
drops right off a cliff and by the time
you are in your 20s that number has
flatlined and unless you do something
dramatic it's not
changing and here's how that translate
to our final
statistic when you become a parent
depending upon when you first become a
parent the majority of the time that you
have with your kids will happen in your
30s and 40s and for most of us there is
a precipitous drop that happens in your
40s as your kids enter high school and
they become more and more independent
you see less and less of them the busier
they get the less and less of them and
that's supposed to happen I mean they're
supposed to make friends they are
supposed to go build a life of their own
and then they turn 18 A lot of them go
off to college or a trade school and
here's the sad
news based on the data when you turn 52
that number which is the amount of time
you spend with your kid flatlines and
that's where it stays the rest of your
life and it is shockingly similar to how
little time you spend with your own
parents or
siblings now when I first read
that
I beat myself up because I'm 55 right
now that window of time is closed it's
over my kids are long launched Oakley
leaves for college in the fall still
trying to figure out where but he's
going and if I reflect back on those 0er
to 18 years I spent way too many years
of their childhood working I was
traveling for work I missed out on so
many Milestones so many sports matches
so much in-person
time however I love knowing this
statistic and here's why I'm not
allowing myself to become a statistic in
this regard because here's the thing
there is something you can
do you can become more proactive about
going to your kids you can become more
proactive about creating and sustaining
that relationship with them as adults
yes the whole point of parenting is to
help your children grow up and become
who they're meant to be which means your
job is as a guide and a coach through
life it means helping your children
understand who are they what do they
value what are the implications of their
decisions what are their passions who do
they want to be and if you take that
approach that your kids are supposed to
become independent human beings who are
going to leave you and go Build A Life
That's What success looks like you can
still do that and not lose
connection and how do you do that well
based on every expert that's ever been
on this show it seems like the advice is
the exact same do your kids feel seen do
they feel safe and do they feel
supported by you because if your kids
feel seen and safe and supported by you
guess what they're not going
anywhere and I want you to stop and
think about your own experience with
your parents when you
think of your Fondest Memories as a
child I bet it's in those moments where
you felt safe or seen or
supported that's the glue and the same
is true with your kids if I were to ask
your kid what are your Fondest Memories
of childhood I guarantee you at the top
of the list are those moments where you
made them feel safe seen and supported
that's the secret to everything if you
have a complicated relationship with
your parents or a sibling right now I
bet you feel none of those things with
them it is all
about how people make you feel and that
means you have some control here you
know and the interesting thing is is
that I don't know about you but I found
that the older that my kids get even
though they' physically left they have
not left emotionally it's like they need
me more but they need me in a different
way they don't need me to drive them
somewhere they don't need the money what
they need is someone that they trust
somebody who they know they can go to
and get the support that they need that
they can talk to run ideas by to call to
laugh to talk through an issue with it's
a different relationship and honestly I
enjoy this part of parenting way more
than when they were little I am not the
best parent for little kids but I am I'm
loving this adult parenting thing which
by the way here's my secret plan to not
be a statistic I'm going to rope my kids
into business with me because then I can
turn them into my co-workers which means
I'm going to see them a ton between the
ages of 20 and 60 see how you can make
the data work for you or against you
it's never too late and that's the other
thing here when you know what you're
dealing with in terms of what the actual
issue is you can solve the right problem
the more that your kids or your parents
or your siblings feel seen and supported
the closer you're going to be and by the
way it's never too late to apologize I
feel personally like I apologize all the
time for things that I screwed up way
back when or screwed up yesterday or
could do a little bit better and it
doesn't weaken your relationship it
actually makes it stronger so there you
have it six surprising statistics about
who you spend your time with over the
course of your your lifetime and here's
one thing I'm going to ask of you please
send this episode to anybody in your
family or a former co-worker or a friend
you've lost touch with as a way to reach
out and get closer to the people that
you love do not become a statistic
become seriously intentional about how
you spend the time that you have and who
you spend it with and on that note I got
to wrap up our conversation because our
son Oakley is a ski racer and he has a
race this afternoon and there is no way
in hell I am going to miss it why
because time is slipping through my
fingers he turned 18 this year and I
know how good it feels when someone
shows up I mean think about it when
you're dead nobody stands up at a
funeral and says boy I wish they would
have worked more
hours but they will remember that you
always showed up when you could so thank
you for showing up today and spending
time with me and thank you for choosing
to listen to something and to learn
about something that I believe will
truly change how you spend the rest of
your life and in case no one else tells
you I wanted to tell you that I love you
and I believe in you and I believe in
your ability to create a better life now
go do it I'll talk to you in a few days
and for you on YouTube I'm going to tell
you I love you and I believe in you and
I believe in your ability to create a
better life thank you thank you thank
you for being here please please please
take a moment and subscribe it's a huge
way that you can support me and support
this show please share this message with
your friends and your family it's going
to make a huge difference and I know
you're thinking okay um the adult
friendship thing Mel I need more
information good I thought you did
you're going to love watching this next
it's the podcast episode we did called
the lies about adult friendship and the
truth you need to
hear
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